I try not to, in this time, be less than I was the previous year. I’m all about upward mobility and adapting to the changing seasons of my life. I am no longer competing or trying to compete with the status quo. To be honest, I never measured up in any category. So I hunt for new ways to be content in my own skin.
I didn’t get that new and shiny this or that and to be truthfully honest it may never be within my reach. Sure, some of the things and levels that I aspired to were made carelessly in my youth when the belief in everything was ‘Yes! Go! Do! And ,of course, Be!’ A good number of those dreams have fallen away over the years like chaff, leaving just the concentrated needs with very few wants to weigh me down. I had to shed them in order to move freely into my ‘what is next.’
I’ve separated from ideals and said goodbye to people that no longer fit in the safe compartments of which I housed them. Even in the absence of gray, I realize that growth is all around me. Arguments, mistrust, and discord are no longer holding the foreground in my life. And before you start thinking that this evolution has been easy, please allow me to set you straight in the most gentlest of ways. Change is volatile, painful, unassuming, uncomfortable and above all necessary.
Did I volunteer for this gift of maturity? No, it like life was thrust upon me and if you have yet to experience what I’m talking about then all that is required to get you to where I am is time. Speaking of time, I place more value in mine and how I spend it. It is a resource that is always depleting, even as we slumber.
I do not mean to paint a dismal picture of getting older. It has its perks. You worry less about stupid shit which frees you up to enjoy all of the beauty that comes your way. You’ll laugh more at the things that, at one time, used to break you. You find that successes are greater no matter how small the size. I understood percentages for the first time in my life, something that I should have mastered in the third grade.
I lit candles all around my house and did not quickly blow them out for fear of burning down my apartment. I realize that I’ll never like beer, or own a car. I’ll never be a singer and maybe will never play the guitar I felt compelled to buy, but it brings me joy when I look at it in my closet. All of this was cultivating behind the scenes while I was living life. But I am not a completed work. With each day I am still being constructed. Refined.
In the coming years, I will say more goodbyes than hellos and still I will continue on that upward climb, but now my pace is more forgiving, more relaxed and less constricting. I can breath and that’s what really matters.